The Gym, Themes, and Pet Personality Tests

by Coat & Tails on

I recently acquired a membership to 24 Hour Fitness, an exclusive gym for top athletes and members of The Illuminati.

But I was horrified to learn that the gym is not actually open 24 hours per day, 7 days per week, as its name implies. They should have called it “18 Hour Fitness” or added an asterisk to the logo, like this:

24 Hour Fitness *

*lol we’re not really open 24 hours

The lack of 24-hour access at 24 Hour Fitness is terribly inconvenient because I often feel the need to bathe in other people’s germs whilst pumping large quantities of iron at 9 PM on a Saturday. So you could say that I feel a bit short-changed, especially since I typically don’t have anything better to do on Saturday night.

However, I look at these situations as opportunities for creative problem solving, and thusly, I started doing pull-ups on random apparati such as tree branches, stairwell railing, and the shoulders of very tall strangers.

I’m happy to say that I’m seeing results. My lats are enormous, which is extremely helpful for when I’m flexing in the mirror. I also have developed an impressive collection of shirtless gym selfies, which as everyone knows is essential for effective online dating.

But having a bulging set of Latissimus dorsi is also helpful for drawing: I’m now able to use my Wacom and keyboard with much more prescision and dexterity.

But alas I have not been able to paint very much lately because I have been immersed in the laborious task of updating my website to include Themes and more Pet Personality Tests.

Regarding the former, Themes will allow a more niche and conceptually fluid aesthetic for your portrait. For instance, if you are a Twin Peaks fan, and you have an inordinate number of pets, then you could get them all rendered as different Twin Peaks characters:

twin peaks

I could not put it in “Men” or “Women” categories because there are multiple genders in each possible Theme. So basically, you can shop by gender or theme.

At first I thought this would require a sizeable cash investment for the necessary development, but I decided to do it myself, so it only required an extensive time-and-frustration-and-sanity investment.

By the end, it was actually quite satisfying. I essentially had to add a category, assign it a number, and then add logic so that it would populate the dropdown. For instance, “men” is “0” and “women” is “1.” I added “Themes” as “2”, and then said “if 0 then male, if 1 then female, and if 2 then theme. It used to be “if not 0, then women, which was obviously a lot cleaner. But that’s really all it took.

Regarding the more robust Pet Personality Tests, there will now be individualized tests for each theme, e.g., “Which Twin Peaks character is your pet?”

I’m also proud to report that users will also be able to share my things to popular social networking sites such as Friendster, Myspace, and Google Plus. I’m reasonably anticipating a deluge of acclaim and attention on social media, which is, after all, my raison d’être.

Outside of the psychosis-inducing process of website-updation, I have also been working vigorously on a plan for showing my voluminous body of work at Bouldin Creek Cafe. That is happening on May 10th (or something like that). I’m excited about the opportunity, and the plan is in place, but now I actually have to execute, which is always challenging, especially because I have to arrange my schedule around the hours of operation at 24 Hour Fitness.